your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
