Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
