so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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