so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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