So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
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