Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
