Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
