I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
