I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Green mimosas i think yes
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Randomize