I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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