$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
