OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
