I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize