i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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