she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
