I wish my penis had an off switch
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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