At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
