I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
