i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize