Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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