U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
