Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
