I never want to see another naked old woman again.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
