my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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