I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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