new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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