john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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