i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
