bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
