I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
