YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
