Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
