White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
