Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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