Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
