Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
In other news, I just burned my penis
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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