Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize