I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize