I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
