Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
