Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
