she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
