Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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