i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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