I must be too annoying 4 u.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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