I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
