HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
