Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
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