I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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