just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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