don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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