2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
