that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
