I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
