Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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