got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
