Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Just cropdusted the office
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
