his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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