6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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