Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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