We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
