So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
